The Christmas Adventure of the Eternally Absent God
by weewah
Summary: A Shizuka x 8man story? Join 8man in a non-fantasy adventure with a little bit of everything. After accidentally unleashing a terrifying beast, 8man is forced into a high-stakes battle of wits and persuasion against a sensei who knows him inside out.
1. The Eldritch Abomination is Unleashed

**Chapter 1: Accidentally, the Eldritch Abomination is Unleashed.**

**Part 1**

What is the saddest scene in the world?

Was it a scene of death? The terminally ill taking their last breaths? Disaster victims fruitlessly awaiting a rescue that would never come? People in despair throwing themselves off rooftops? No. Anyone that properly watches the news should already be emotionally numb to such scenes.

Then was it the scene of a couple breaking up? Adultery, betrayal, or just love gone cold? Nay. Rather than sadness, such scenes would just evoke dark emotions of joy.

While I cannot be certain what the correct answer is, the sight before me was definitely one of the top contenders.

**Part 2**

It was in the early morning after Christmas, and a happy loner was minding his own business, reading his own manga, in his own room. Unlike riajuus, who had to painstakingly coordinate their schedules in order to enjoy their youth, a loner is an evolved lifeform that can find entertainment at any time.

Unfortunately, there was one other in the house, a very irritable test-taker. After being kicked out for my allegedly creepy giggling that was supposedly distracting her, I was forced to wander around the city on my bicycle.

Then the scene in question appeared before my eyes. About 100 meters ahead, I noticed a gap in the flow of morning pedestrians. Everyone was trying their best to avert their eyes from the gap, and I noticed the males in particular were trying their hardest to stay away, as if some instinctual sense was screaming "DANGER!" in their heads.

In the center of the gap, a woman was lying down face-up by the side of the road while surrounded by several bottles of alcohol. While there were no signs of any physical wounds, a variety of discount sticker seals were stuck on her clothes and even her forehead.

Since she looked strangely familiar, I ignored the warning signs and took a closer look. This was a mistake that the Hikigaya clan would rue for generations, assuming it did not end with me.

The woman had her left hand raised towards the sky, and a ring crafted out of more discount stickers was on her ring finger. As she gazed fondly at her fake wedding ring with a nihilistic smile, I was promptly assaulted by strong feelings of sympathy that I never thought I possessed.

"Someone! Someone hurry up and take her! Otherwise I will instead!"

Suddenly, the background noise of the morning crowd died down.

Weird... why was everyone looking at me? Normally my curse of invisibility prevented people from seeing me even if I was standing in front of them. Perhaps my overwhelming feelings of compassion had cured my curse? Was the popular period of my life going to begin?

With a jerk, the woman's face turned towards me.

"Someone... will take me? ... you will take me?"

Oh shit. Had I blurted my earlier thoughts out loud? Hiratsuka-sensei's eyes were slowly turning from nihilistic to predatorial. The gap in the crowd was now widening as the bystanders attempted to flee from ground zero.

"Yabai yabai yabai yabai..." DANGER! My chastity is in danger! The fact that I was starting to sound like Tobe was a good indicator that something very bad was about to happen. The way that she lifted herself off the ground in a manner strangely reminiscent of the zombies in Resident Evil was also incredibly bad for my heart.

"You will take me?" she repeated, now positively drooling with a crazed look in her eyes.

With that as the cue, I jumped on my bicycle and fled.


	2. The Hero Makes his Escape

**Chapter 2: Bewilderedly, the Hero Makes his Escape.**

**Part 1**

I once again realized how wonderful it was to be a loner. If I had been a riajuu, I would have spent every day walking to and from school with a group of friends, chatting about useless things. But since I was a loner, instead of friends I had a trusty bicycle. Unlike the useless existences known as friends, this bicycle would lead me to salvation.

"Hachiman! Wait!"

So we're suddenly on a first-name basis now?!

Looking back, I found to my horror that the distance between us was actually slowly decreasing! To make matters worse, she was using an underhanded tactic of distracting me with two very large and mobile objects. How was she running so fast with those things? Was she the successor of Ougi: Takao ZAN?

"We haven't exchanged vows yet! Hachiman!"

Scary! I thought her physical speed was fast, but apparently our relationship was progressing even faster in her head.

Fortunately, it wasn't as if I was simply fleeing blindly. As a loner, I was well-versed in the art of escape, mainly so I could quickly get away from certain trauma-inducing middle school classmates that still lived in the area. Thanks to that, I knew the layout of the city like the back of my hand. Wait, this was more of a trauma skill rather than a loner skill wasn't it?

No matter! It was time to activate my trump card!

Turning the corner revealed the downward slope I expected.

Behold the power of the wheel you bipedal creatures! Now that I had recruited gravity to my side, the distance between us quickly opened up. Hasta la vista, baby!

**Part 2**

_Haa... haa..._

As expected, even Hiratsuka Shizuka was only human. Using the technology of the wheel gifted to us by the Ancients, I had managed to lose her after a few more turns and a lot of desperate pedaling. Let us pause and give thanks to the laziest of our ancestors, who achieved such great miracles in the name of sloth.

That said, I was beginning to experience the sinking feeling that something was horribly wrong. But what?

Speaking of which... why was it so silent? As soon as I thought that, I clutched my phone with sudden realization.

That's right. Since leaving her search radius a while ago, my phone had been endlessly ringing and beeping, indicating a flood of calls and messages. Yet now it was completely silent.

Had Hiratsuka-sensei given up? Against my better judgment, that small glimmer of hope compelled me to look at the subject titles for some of the latest texts.

"Do you prefer a Western wedding?"

"Hachiman. Where are you?"

"Sorry Hachiman. Don't hate me."

"Answer or die."

"Should we call our daughter Nami?"

Scary. I expected this would happen based on the previous incident with the Chiba Village trip, but it was still scary. And more like, don't go naming your daughter after shonen manga heroines.

Wait, what did she do the last time when I ignored her messages? Not good!


	3. The Predator Stalks the Prey

**Chapter 3: Craftily, the Predator Stalks the Prey**

**Part 1**

"Komachi! Are you okay?! You haven't been kidnapped or anything right?!"

[Onii-chan, stop yelling into the phone. Komachi is still 100% safe.]

Good. It seems I made it in time.

"Listen carefully Komachi. After this call, I want you to turn off your phone, unplug the house phone, stay in your room and pretend that no one is home even if someone rings the doorbell. Also, I might not be able to return home tonight, so tell our parents that I'm staying over at a friend's house."

[Ehhhh... that sounds like a pain... and there's no way our parents will believe that. Onii-chan has no friends after all.]

Gack! Being a loner came back to bite me in the most unexpected place.

[Maa, if it's for onii-chan's sake, Komachi will think of something. Ah! That just now was super high in Komachi points! So what happened onii-chan?]

"It's too long to explain, just stay home and avoid everyone. Especially Hiratsuka-sensei."

[Hm? If it's about sensei, she already came by earlier? She was looking for you, so Komachi told her how to track your cell phone via GPS.]

...

I collapsed onto the ground. The initiative has been taken by the enemy. Ahaha... The sound of my nihilistic laughter in my mind was drowned out only by the sound of a nearby car engine.

"Oh my sister! Don't give out the family's GPS information so easily!"

That mistake just cost all of your Komachi points!

[Ehhh... there's no problem is there? I hear she's going to become family soon anyway. Nishishi...]

...

You already knew? Just how fast was this information spreading? The World Health Organization needs to come here and set up quarantines immediately, otherwise the city is going to be nuked and it will fail to contain the spread anyway.

Ugh. This isn't the time for such useless thoughts. If Hiratsuka-sensei had acquired the ability to track my cell phone via GPS, that meant she knew exactly where I was right now...

Then again, if we consider the fact that I had a bicycle and she was on foot, there should still be some time before she catches me right? In that case, I could still...

Wait... why had there been car engine noises since a while ago? This was a residential area that rarely saw any vehicles. My feelings of dread instantly multiplied tenfold.

"Danna-sama! Don't be shy!"

Turning my head towards the voice that was all too familiar in various ways, I was greeted by a black sports car that was also very familiar. The driver of the car had her arm outside the window and was happily waving some sheets of paper.

"Fukou da!"

My stamina hadn't fully recovered, yet I was once again forced to frantically pedal to escape. But this time, the enemy was in a car. Between a car and a bicycle, there was no way I could win. Damn those lazy ancestors who invented the wheel! Why couldn't they just walk like everyone else? A plague upon all their descendants! Or rather, wasn't she drinking alcohol just a few hours ago?

"Stop chasing me! Drinking and driving is against the law you know!"

"Wait up! I already dropped by the city hall earlier and filled out our marriage registration forms! I just need you to sign here!"

Even if I signed that, there is no way it will be accepted since I'm still underage! Not good. As expected, someone who is attempting to break the law by marrying a minor wouldn't care about breaking drunk driving laws either. Just how desperate was this person?!

**Part 2**

_Pant... pant..._

Somehow, I had managed to escape again by using narrow alleys that were too small for a car to fit through. But since she could track me by my cell phone GPS, it was only a matter of time before I was caught.

Should I throw my phone away? But there was important data on it that I didn't want to lose. Like Totsuka's email address. Or Totsuka's photos.

Wouldn't losing my phone be the same as discarding my fated item?! If I did that, I would never find out the true person who said "Zawsze in Love"! On the other hand, if I continued to hold on to my phone, I would be caught, and my fate would be sealed anyway.

Actually, I could just turn off the GPS! Hahaha... Not good, this panic was definitely affecting my ability to think if it took me this long to remember such a simple solution.

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down.

Now that I think about it, was turning off the GPS really the best idea? While that would prevent her from tracking me, her actions would also become very unpredictable...


	4. The Swordsman Receives the Call

**Chapter 4: Dutifully, the Swordsman Receives the Call**

**Part 1**

If Hiratsuka Shizuka was recruiting allies to hunt me down, then I should also find allies to assist my escape. At the very least, since I was having difficulty at multitasking both fleeing and scheming, I should outsource one of those jobs. Or so I would like to say, but as a loner, I naturally had no allies.

Actually, I had one ally, but the enemy got to her first and I was betrayed. *Sob*.

In any case, the fact that my phone was now ringing and beeping again suggested that the HiratsuCar was currently far away... possibly stuck in a traffic jam somewhere. This was a golden opportunity that wouldn't come twice. I had to make use of it somehow.

For now, I had a plan. A plan that would both prevent me from being tracked, yet still allow me to control the movements of the enemy. The problem was, an accomplice was required to execute this plan.

When I thought about it, among the few acquaintances I had, the one who was most likely to help was Totsuka. But considering the task I had in mind, it was too dangerous. On the off-chance that Hiratsuka-sensei was desperate enough to change targets...

Suddenly, a yuri-esque portrait of a Shizuka X Saika pairing assaulted my mind... but I had to resist! In place of that innocent creature who could not! Be gone, oh Mara.

Whew. I had managed to protect his smile, even though the world would never know. If it was going to come down to that, I would rather be the one eaten! Actually, I would rather we both get eaten together...

**Part 2**

Ha! Not good! I almost got caught in a pleasant dream, which would have led to me being caught in reality. When I noticed, it was already almost noon.

In any case, if my plan was to succeed, I needed the help of a sentient being...

I needed to think! Concentrate! Unlike riajuus, who used up most of their brain cells to handle social relationships, a loner was a creature with long-term foresight who reserved those brain cells for emergencies. And now was the time to use them.

Indeed, now was the time to use those brain cells to recall my social contacts! Wait, didn't that mean the riajuus who had a lot of practice were actually at an advantage? Damn it! Now was not the time for self-defeating thoughts!

There were only a few people I was close enough to ask for help anyway, so I should just choose by process of elimination...

Yukinoshita... contact information unknown.

Yuigahama... would probably just complicate things more...

That left only one candidate.

Then again, even though that candidate had never really been useful for anything, he was both the one candidate that I didn't care about and the one candidate that would recover from anything this mission dealt to him. So in a sense, he was the best choice.

Once again, I was assaulted by a vivid mental portrait, but this time the angelic Saika was replaced by my newest selection. ARGH! Who was the culprit behind this heinous psychological attack?! As if I wasn't taking enough damage as it is!

While trying to burn the mental image with fire, I suppressed my revulsion and reached for my phone. Then, I looked for the one number I thought I would never call again.

**Part 3**

[It is I.]

Creepy as usual, answering before the phone even rang. But in this emergency situation where time was of the essence, that was a good thing. Truly, loners were such considerate creatures, always being free and ready to help at all times. If the world was full of loners, waiting lines wouldn't exist.

"I have a mission for you."


	5. The Schemer Temporarily Rests

**Chapter 5: Exhausted, the Schemer Temporarily Rests**

The plan I had wasn't difficult: simply have someone else hold on to my phone and run around in my stead. Thus my fleeing job was successfully outsourced, and I could finally recover my hit points.

Currently, I was seated in a strange cafe I had never entered before, eating a breakfast that was both very late and very bitter. Despite the terrible menu and the lack of MAX coffee, this cafe had two features that made it an ideal hideout.

First, the fact that I had a sweet tooth was well known... at least among the people that knew I existed. In that case, they would be unlikely to search for me in a cafe that was apparently trying to kill its customers with bitterness. Wouldn't you at least have packets of sugar or something? Where was the customer service?

Second, this restaurant was one of the rare establishments that had multiple customer entrances. Thus if Hiratsuka Shizuka came in from one entrance, I could immediately flee through the other. Even with my decoy plan in effect, I couldn't be sure how long the trick would last. If the enemy realized the swap early, I might end up getting ambushed instead if I let my guard down.

Now that I had acquired the first nutrients of the day, my brain was starting to work better. That or the sheer amount of bitterness had forcefully awakened it. How did this store even have customers? Were they all masochists? Or was this a place for teenagers enjoying their youths to play penalty games?

That aside, I was now starting to grasp the true terror of this situation.

So far, I had managed to avoid the enemy just by moving around and staying alert. But all humans needed to sleep eventually, and while they slept they would be defenseless. That was the main advantage of the hunter: you could rest whenever you wanted, and choose to only hunt your prey when they slept. That was why many predators like lions and cats have evolved powerful night vision capabilities, so they could continue to harass their prey throughout the night.

In that case, I needed to reverse the situation. Rather than continuing to flee, I should take action instead.

Specifically, I should enlist the help of someone who has dedicated their entire life to observing the behavioral patterns of such predators.


	6. The Ninja Scouts the Situation

**Chapter 6: Furtively, the Ninja Scouts the Situation**

**Part 1**

Even if I didn't have her phone number, I did have her home address!

That came out a lot creepier than I expected. She was definitely going to get the wrong idea. Heck, I was getting the wrong idea. But that was the truth so it couldn't be helped!

It couldn't be helped, so it wasn't creepy! ... I wonder if that would serve as a defense if I was taken to court...

Well, such disgusting thoughts were good for keeping Stealth Hikki mode activated. Even though the crowds couldn't see me, they would instinctively feel the revolting aura and move out of the way. That allowed me to quickly travel to my destination without bumping into anyone.

**Part 2**

As I approached my destination, thinking about my opening lines, a dreadfully familiar vehicle suddenly came into view.

Gah! I've been ambushed! Why was the HiratsuCar here? It was even parked right outside the apartment building.

Doesn't this count as illegal parking? Should I enforce some vigilante justice by puncturing her tires? Then again I'd probably get caught in the middle of doing that so the idea was meaningless.

Thinking about it, 50% of the car would become mine in the event that I failed, so any acts of property damage would just come back to bite me if I lost.

Anyway, how did Hiratsuka-sensei even know about this place? Did she abuse her status as an educator to look up the addresses of her students?

I was about to flee when I noticed that the driver was not inside. But even so, I couldn't let my guard down. If the HiratsuCar was here, the owner must be nearby.

Had she beaten me to the punch again? Recruited another one of my targets to her side?

But wait. This time, the target we were aiming for was exceedingly upright and law-abiding. There was no way she would agree to assist my enemy in committing such atrocities. In that sense, she was the most reliable ally.

Then again, I wasn't entirely sure she would agree to help me either...

No. Gotta think positively at times like this...since one party was clearly on the wrong side of the law, she could be coerced into choosing the lesser of two evils. Finally! Being a small-time villain was finally paying off!

For now, I had to confirm the location of my enemy. If she was sufficiently far away, there was a chance I could sneak into the apartment, recruit a new comrade, and hightail it out of there all before she noticed.

Conversely, if she was nearby, then the apartment building itself would be a death trap. Since the unit only had one entrance, if she entered after I did there would be no escape.

I started to strain my ears and pour my mana points into my Presence Detection skill. Slowly, the previously indecipherable background noises became the sounds of someone shouting in the distance.

"Hachiman! True men don't go back on their words!"

...

"Hachiman! Show yourself and fight like a real man!"

Hmm... at this distance... it was definitely too risky. Also, stop shouting my name, I'm going to get a strange reputation!

My one consolation was that no one actually knew my name, so that reputation wouldn't actually get attached to my being.

In any case, the information gathering stage was complete. Great Teacher Shizuka's words once again reminded me of how large the gap in our ages was.

The era of shonen manga heroes was long over. In this day and age, real men that settled disputes with their fists would just end up imprisoned on various charges of assault.

Meanwhile, hot-blooded men who attempted to settle everything with their overwhelming passion were the perfect prey for con artists and swindlers. They would simply end up getting tricked and led by the nose into becoming corporate slaves that worked endless hours of unpaid overtime.

Heck, even shonen manga these days were moving towards a different style of heroics.

Rather than violence and passion, the successful man today was a cowardly cynic. Cleverly seeing through the lies of society and avoiding everything, they would lead a life with much less pain than their counterparts. They would just have much less of everything else too... including friends and employment... that was why it was absolutely essential to become a house-husband who did not need either of those.

At any rate, contacting the target in person had been rendered impossible.

Somehow, Zaimokuza had once again proven useless, since Hiratsuka-sensei was waiting here to ambush me rather than following the dummy signal.

Granted, in this situation, the problem really had nothing to do with Zaimokuza. Since my decoy plan was seen through, it wouldn't really matter what Zaimokuza was doing. Then again, how was the plan seen through so quickly? Her mind reading powers were totally unfair. Do I need to go order a Magneto helmet?

Or was she tracking me via the red string of fate connecting our fingers instead? If so, that would mean that all of my previous planning was meaningless. The only thing it accomplished was to make me give up my phone for no reason...

Still, one couldn't help but wish that Zaimokuza would at least be useful for something for once in his life...

Hmmm...

No... there was still a way. A way to make everything right.


	7. The God Descends

**Chapter 7: Grandly, the God Descends**

**Part 1**

After putting some distance between myself and the apartment building, I reached for a public payphone to call Zaimokuza.

Only then did I realize that my latest plan had a fatal flaw.

...

What was Zaimokuza Yoshiteru's phone number?

...

I desperately tried to recall, but for some reason my mind remained blank.

Wait. I had given him my cell phone so he could act as my decoy. In other words, I could just call my own cell phone to reach him. Problem solved!

**Part 2**

A few attempts later proved that approach to be futile.

It seems Zaimokuza was faithfully obeying the mission requirement of completely ignoring all of the noises coming from my phone. After all, they could turn out to be Hiratsuka-sensei in disguise, and I didn't want his cover to be blown too early.

Unfortunately, it turns out that his cover was already blown from the start.

Sigh. There was no choice. I had to remember what Zaimokuza's phone number was.

Still, this was weird. I had just called him this morning. Even if the call was automatic, I had to have seen his number displayed on the screen. Especially since I have never bothered to make him one of my named contacts. That meant his number was still being treated exactly the same as a phone call from an unknown stranger, so the number would be displayed on the screen instead of a nickname. If that was the case, why could I not remember it? Was I so bad at math that even remembering numbers was impossible?

No, that couldn't be right. If there was one thing I could be proud of, it was my superior memorization skill. During one of my previous ill-advised attempts to be popular, I had memorized all of the personal information about my classmates, hoping that it would allow us to get along better. Ultimately it only served to make me appear more creepy though...

Then, could it be because I was subconsciously rejecting Zaimokuza's very existence? Thus I was actively repressing all information related to Zaimokuza, in the same way I forcefully forgot all of my middle school classmates...

Then again, such forceful repression of memories didn't work very well. For example, simply running into Orimoto Kaori a few weeks ago had been enough to cause all of my middle school traumas to resurface. It seems even a slight stimulus would cause the seals on such memories to become unlocked.

...

If that was the case, then there was only one thing I could do...

... I would really rather not though.

Was this truly the only thing I could do? Really?

...

I desperately clutched at straws, but found none.

...

Ugh fine. But at least... in a less crowded place...

**Part 3**

A few minutes later, I reached another public payphone. This time, it was located in a deserted area.

Sigh. It was time.

Hachiman begins.

Taking one last look around to confirm that I was alone, I struck a pose I had thought I would never do again. Covering my right eye with my left hand, I raised my right hand towards the sky.

"AWAKEN, MY RIGHT HAND!"

**Part 4**

At long last, the seal of the six gods had been broken. I could feel the divine power coursing through my veins, unleashing the dormant powers of my mind once more. All of the information I needed was now at my fingertips.

How long has it been since I possessed a body in this mortal realm? Finally, I was free to once again walk the earth. Then again, rather than interacting with the mortals, I was duty bound to preserve the balance of the universe.

It seems that in my absence, the other six gods had gotten carried away, and the balance was no where to be found. The fact that the Eldritch Abomination known as the HiratZilla had been unleashed was all the evidence I needed to perceive that the world had fallen into ruin.

In that case, it was time to summon my loyal retainer. An avatar that would carry out my will and right the wrongs of the world.

"The Eternally Absent God Hachiman commands! Saber Yoshiteru! Use your Noble Phantasm to..."


	8. The Plan is Set in Motion

**Chapter 8: Hurriedly, The Plan is Set in Motion**

**Part 1**

[ Hachiman. Isn't the job this time too risky? Will you provide proper compensation?]

[ Also, you are acting very creepy, is everything alright?]

"Dost thou doubt the words of the Eternally Absent God? There is nothing to worry about. Simply obey my orders, and thou shalt be duly rewarded. El Psy Congroo."

...

**Part 2**

...

What the heck was I just doing earlier?! That was so embarrassing! I wanted to die.

And I had done it in front of Zaimokuza of all people. Zaimokuza even called me creepy. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. I wanted to die...

I had a feeling that I was never going to live this down. But I had to live. Live so that all of the sacrifices made so far were not in vain.

Now that the plan had been set in motion, I had to hurry as well. I needed to get to the rendezvous point before anyone else so that I could secure an escape route in the worst case scenario.

**Part 3**

There were two problems this time. First, since the decoy plan had fallen through, my Zaimokuza card had been deactivated. In that case, what mission could I assign to Zaimokuza in order to reactivate him?

Well, it would be strange to expect much from Zaimokuza in the first place, so let's put that aside for now. The second problem was of greater importance anyway.

How could Hikigaya Hachiman send a message to Yukinoshita Yukino?

Currently, all possible methods of contact had been sealed. Despite my repeated requests, Yukinoshita was apparently a firm believer in the Act on the Protection of Personal Information. The way in which she shot down every request before I even completed my sentence showed how strongly she believed in upholding the laws. It definitely wasn't because she didn't want to have anything to do with me right?

Or perhaps Yukinoshita was just so much of a loner that she didn't actually have a phone or an email address. Or maybe she was a miko for an ancient goddess, and so had a supernatural curse that caused her to break all electronic equipment. She certainly had the voice for that kind of character after all!

And so Yukinoshyta was just too shy to admit that she had no electronic devices. Thus she pretended to be hiding them instead whenever someone asked. Jeez, if that was the reason then Yukinoshy's behavior was just so adorably cute that it couldn't be helped. As a fellow loner I should have the compassion to forgive her for acting so rudely if it was just an act to cover the fact that she was embarrassed.

With that conclusion, since technological methods could not be used, I had planned to simply visit her in person. Unfortunately, that method had also been sealed by a fearsome beast guarding the sole entrance to her lair.

So no matter how one looked at it, wasn't this problem impossible? How could a message be sent to someone who could not be reached?

...

In that case, all one needed to do was break down their fundamental assumptions. The very idea that the sender must initiate the actions that sent a message was wrong in itself. By looking at the problem in reverse, a solution would naturally present itself.

How would Yukinoshita Yukino receive a message from the outside world?

For a riajuu, the each day could be said to bring along exciting new changes. At least, that was how they liked to refer to it to disguise the fact that a riajuu could not plan ahead. Since their lives were so intricately connected with a large group of friends, any event that happened to one friend could drastically throw off any activity they had previously wanted to do. Thus every day was a hectic battle between what they originally wanted to do, and what the events of their friends' lives dictated they should spend the day doing.

In contrast, a loner has a static daily schedule. Years of activity can be perfectly planned out in advance, simply because most worldly events have absolutely no effect on a loner.

And if my understanding of Yukinoshita Yukino was correct, her daily schedule for the holiday period was a very simple endless repetition of a single activity: surround herself all day with monitors displaying cat videos that were found via surfing the internet.

So even without me doing anything, Yukinoshita Yukino was already actively seeking out messages from the outside world, just in the form of cat videos.

This meant that there was a simple solution to the problem. Just send the message via cat videos. Post messages to Yukinoshita in the comments for popular cat videos. Or just upload your own cat videos and put messages in them to Yukinoshita. Then she would automatically find them herself even without being asked.

Of course, moderators and users may eventually mark your messages as spam and delete them, but that process would take some time. And during that time, there was a good chance that the messages would be seen by Yukinoshita.

Incidentally, since Zaimokuza no longer had to run around, he was the perfect man for this job. Thus the first problem was also solved.

Unfortunately, this plan also had a number of problems, so haste was of the essence.


	9. The New Arrival is Analyzed

**Chapter 9: Insultingly, the New Arrival is Analyzed**

**Part 1**

It was now getting late in the afternoon. The hours of daylight were slowly dwindling away, like a countdown to my destruction.

There were two main issues with my plan. The first was that it was not guaranteed to work. Even if Yukinoshita Yukino was a huge fan of cats, there were only so many cat videos she could go through per day. To make matters worse, the person in question might get too absorbed in the cats to even notice the message. Thus there was really no way to tell when she would show up, if at all.

The second was the fact that the videos had to be uploaded to sites that were publicly accessible, since we did not know what accounts Yukinoshita had. This meant that one of Hiratsuka-sensei's accomplices may see the message first, and thus Hiratsuka-sensei herself might arrive at the rendezvous point to capture me in person.

Put together, that meant I needed to get to the meeting location first and prepare a few things.

The location in question was a small playground. There wasn't anything particularly special about it, but it was near a shopping mall that allowed rooftop access. Thus I was currently squatting down at the edge of the roof, looking at the playground through the gaps in the railing. This wasn't the best of hiding spots since there was only one entrance to the roof, but it allowed me to view the playground from a long distance.

Meanwhile, my bicycle had been stored in the opposite direction, serving as a revival of my decoy plan if Hiratsuka-sensei arrived first, and an escape route if Yukinoshita arrived first.

"Come on... come on..."

I had already been waiting here for a few hours. Thankfully, being a loner gave me years of experience with waiting, so I was a very patient person. When I was much younger, whenever there was a baseball game between the grade school kids, I would be told to wait on the bench as a pinch hitter, and get in the game only when the manager called for me. Thus I would excitedly wait for my turn throughout the game, cheering loudly for my team, believing in the power of friendship and that I was special. The team's trump card. The secret ace!

It took me a long time before I realized that no one was actually playing the role of a manager. Thus no one would ever call me and my turn would never actually come.

Nevertheless, this waiting period was wearing down my nerves. I couldn't help but feel that any moment now, two hard rods of steel would swoop down in front of me and pull me backwards into two marshmallows that were soft but deadly to my mental fortitude.

Suddenly, I noticed a female with long black hair had appeared in the distance. Was that Yukinoshita? Or was it Hiratsuka-sensei? Once again, I found that my plans had holes. From this distance and angle, it was impossible to clearly make out their faces, so I could not identify the new arrival.

Curses! Why couldn't reality be like an anime where every character had a different hair color? That would make people so much easier to identify! This plan was difficult enough as it is, so learn to cooperate reality!

Then I noticed. A certain area was flat like the horizon.

...

There were no enemies on the horizon today.

**Part 2**

"I get the feeling someone was thinking something very rude about me."

"..."

Were all the girls around me mind readers?! Kotoura-san would have no problems fitting in if she lived in this world...

No, now was not the time for anime fantasies. I needed to grab Yukinoshita and we would flee the area together by riding my bicycle.

"There's no time, follow me."

"Wait. There's one more person coming."

Eh? But... I asked her to come alone in my message though? Or had I been betrayed? Was the other person Hiratsuka-sensei? Just when I was about to abandon hope and flee, the ominous sound of footsteps came from behind me.

Damn! I have been ambushed! Betrayed twice in one day!


	10. The Party Sets Forth

**Chapter 10: Just in time, the Party sets Forth**

**Part 1**

"Yukinon! Thanks for waiting!"

Just when I had given in to despair, a friendly voice came from behind me. So it wasn't Hiratsuka-sensei. Whew... it seems that the Eternally Absent God has not forsaken me yet. Then again, that was me.

"Hikki! Yahallo!"

Still... what was with this choice of personnel?

"Yuigahama, why are you here?"

If Yuigahama was here, then a lot of my plans have fallen through.

Firstly, if Yuigahama was going to come anyway, then the whole cat video secret message plan to lure out Yukinoshita was meaningless since I could have just called Yuigahama directly! Now wasn't all that effort by Zaimokuza to find cats, make videos, and spam comments completely wasted? Apologize to me and Zaimokuza! Actually just apologize to me!

Secondly, now that the party had three people, escaping by bicycle was no longer an option. No matter how trustworthy of a partner my bicycle had been, and no matter how many years we went back together, it was impossible to fit three people on it.

Lastly... Yuigahama was a creature that acted on emotion rather than logic. Thanks to that, I couldn't get a good read on her behavior. I had two competing theories to explain it, but neither predicted a good outcome. Once she heard my story, she would either get really depressed, or decide to support Hiratsuka-sensei's love.

"Iya... how do I say this... I was watching videos with Yukinon when we saw your message Hikki! It was really surprising, but it looked interesting, so I came along."

They were together again? Does Yuigahama ever go home anymore? It seems like she has already moved in with Yukinoshita. I bet Yuigahama's parents were starting to get worried that she might have been swindled by some womanizing prince, but it was a womanizing queen instead.

Sigh. Even so, I couldn't see any method of separating these two entities that were so melded together. Even at this moment, while I was frantically performing all kinds of mental gymnastics to somehow salvage my schemes, Yukinoshita was currently captured in a Yurigahama-style hug that prevented any and all forms of physical gymnastics.

Well, I guess this means there is no choice. Farewell my bicycle. Although we have been through thick and thin for so many years, you still lack an essential quality that would make you worth saving. Unfortunately for you, no part of Totsuka has ever touched any part of you, so you will not be missed like my phone. Give up and pray that in your next life, you would be reincarnated as one of Totsuka's hand creams. Actually, I call dibs on that next life...

"Hikigaya-kun. Could you wipe that creepy smile off your face and explain the situation?"

Whoops. I almost got pulled into another Totsuka delusion. That was not good, we were already running out of time. After quickly wiping my drool, I immediately turned around and beckoned the other two to follow me as I headed towards a narrow alley.

"I will explain later. We need to leave right now."

I was already starting to hear a distant voice that I hoped was just an auditory hallucination...

"Danna-sama! So this is where you wanted to hold our secret honeymoon?"

...

"Hikki... was that..."

"That sounded like Hiratsuka-sensei..."

"It's just an auditory hallucination! Just hurry!"

**Part 2**

Haa... haa...

Somehow, we had just barely managed to escape. This tension was really taking its toll on my heart. I was hyperventilating even though we didn't really walk that fast. But it couldn't be helped.

As if going on foot wasn't enough of a handicap, Yukinoshita Yukino was a genius girl who never had to work hard at sports, and thus never developed any stamina. So we could only walk briskly away from the scene. Our survival was completely based on my high stealth parameter.

Leaning against the wall of the dark alley we were currently in, I examined my new recruits while attempting to calm my breathing.

One. A normally ditsy and air-headed girl, this fluffy pink-haired and pink-hearted creature was looking strangely serious for once. She was fidgeting a lot, looking somewhat uncomfortable with our current location. As her eyes darted back and forth between me, Yukinoshita, and the alley exits, I turned my attention to the other recruit.

A normally deadly serious and deadly cold girl, this black-haired and black-hearted ojou-sama was somehow looking even more serious, more cold, and much deadlier than normal. Unlike Yuigahama, who was continuing to fidget and blush, Yukinoshita had taken a combat pose and was not moving an inch.

"Hikigaya-kun. If you were planning to make a move on us by bringing us to this deserted alley, I should warn you in advance that I will be unable to guarantee your survival when I retaliate in self-defense."

"You're mistaken!" Just how many times would I have to tell this chick that I wasn't that into her?!

"That denial is not very convincing while you're breathing heavily like a pervert, Hentaigaya-kun. Perhaps I should strike first to ensure my safety?"

Scary! Why were all the girls around me so violent? Was my life a fighting manga or something? So the reason I was unpopular was because I didn't know any martial arts?

"Ah! Ah! Yukinon! Stop! I'm sure Hikki is just tired out from a long day! So don't punch him!"

"Well... if Yuigahama says so..."

Whew... luckily Yuigahama was here to control Yukinoshita's murderous rampage. Then again we wouldn't be in this situation if Yuigahama hadn't tagged along.

"Anyway, isn't it about time you explained the situation?"


	11. The Runaway is Welcomed

**Chapter 11: Kindly, the Runaway is Welcomed**

**Part 1**

"... so that's how it is."

"Hikki..."

As expected, Yuigahama was staring at me with disappointed and disapproving eyes. When I looked to see the reaction of the other person, I was met with a surprisingly warm gaze.

Eh? Why? What's going on?

"Hikigaya-kun..."

Yes...? The fact that there was no disappointment in her eyes was throwing me off. Rather, they looked strangely happy. Just what was happening?

"... I knew my initial assessment of your character was correct!"

Oi!

If that was going to be your response, don't behave like that! What if I got the wrong idea?

Now that I looked carefully, Yukinoshita's fist was clenched and her arm was shaking, as if she was suppressing the urge to do a fist-pump. Were you that happy about my suffering?

"Well, jokes aside..."

Sure didn't seem like one.

"Hikigaya-kun. I believe your bad habit is showing again. As human beings, we need to confront our problems. Only then will society progress. Nothing will ever be solved if you keep running away. I am sure that if you try talking things out with Hiratsuka-sensei, this issue can be resolved peacefully."

"No no no! You are only saying that because you haven't seen what she has become. Even if I accept your ridiculous premise that problems have to be confronted, she is in no state of mind to be reasoned with!"

"Such an exaggeration... even if it is Hiratsuka-sensei, she should still be open to negotiation and compromise."

Negotiation and compromise? Neither of those have ever happened with Hiratsuka-sensei even while she was sane! Just how much of an idealist was Yukinoshita?

"Listen well. Even at the time when I passed my phone to Zaimokuza, Hiratsuka-sensei had already sent mails naming our nine children, and was discussing how we would lead them to the Koshien together! She is planning so far ahead that it's scary! And most importantly, I do NOT want nine children!"

"That's the most important?"

Yukinoshita stared at me in disbelief, doubting my words, but that was the terrifying truth. Hiratsuka-sensei's love was way too heavy!

Meanwhile, Yuigahama had started to blush and fidget about again. Would you please stop doing that? It is incredibly distracting...

"Hikki... do you not like children? So you don't want to become a father in the future?"

"No well... if you asked me whether I like or dislike children, I would say I like them. The problem is that children cost a lot of money to take care of. While teaching is a stable job in today's economy, the salary that it receives is really not that high. So if we have too many children, Hiratsuka-sensei may not be able to bring in enough money by herself. Once that happens, the probability that I would be forced to become a corporate slave instead of a house-husband would increase..."

"Just who is the one that is planning too far ahead here..."

Yukinoshita interrupted while pressing her palm on her head to indicate that my speech was giving her a headache. But you see, a wise man always plans for his defeat, that way even when you lose, you can still win a little bit!

**Part 2**

"So why did you come to us?"

"Well, this is the Service Club right? So this is a request..."

"Another request, is it? You seem to be making a lot of these lately, are you not becoming too overly-reliant on others?"

"Let me stop you right there. I can't have you misunderstanding the situation now! This is not a request by Hikigaya Hachiman, it is a request from all of Sobu High. Think about it. If Hiratsuka-sensei wins here, it will become a scandal that will affect the entire school's reputation. Your high school diplomas from here when you graduate will be devalued! That is why the request this time is not about me at all."

Hehehe. Impeccable logic if I say so myself. I did have a few hours to think of a reason to persuade Yukinoshita while waiting for her after all. The proof of my victory could be found in how Yukinoshita had once again taken her signature headache pose. She was ready to become a professional actress who starred in Advil commercials. Then again she was successful in everything so I guess she didn't need to choose this particular career.

"Such sophistry..."

"Ehhh... let's help him Yukinon! I also... don't want to see Hiratsuka-sensei marrying Hikki..."

"Well... if Yuigahama says so..."

I had suspected this for a while now, but it seems that Yukinoshita had a new catchphrase. Just how whipped had she become? From now on I should just direct all requests to Yukinoshita through Yuigahama. I could probably get anything approved that way... anything...

"So, specifically, what exactly do you want us to do?"

Hah! Not good, I was about to head down the path of a sleazebag! Let's see...

"Well, for now, I need a place to hide until Hiratsuka-sensei calms down. Especially at night... I don't want to be attacked while I'm asleep. Komachi already betrayed me so my own house isn't safe anymore..."

"Ahaha... Ah! Couldn't you stay over at a friend's house or something?"

Urk! That hit right where it hurt. I turned to give Yuigahama a resentful stare, while Yukinoshita gave her a disappointed one. And then Yukinoshita proceeded to give the standard rebuke that would hurt me in the process.

"Yuigahama-san. Please be more considerate. You already know that thing couldn't possibly have friends. In a situation like this, the only thing he could do would be to stay overnight at an internet cafe..."

"No. I already rejected that idea. Those places don't particularly have a lot of security, so Hiratsuka-sensei would be able to get in easily if she somehow figured out where I was."

Plus, with the rising cost of residences in Japan, I had the feeling I might be forced to start living in one of those in the future, so I really didn't want to start now...

Hm? Yuigahama was fidgeting again. Seriously quit waving your arms near your chest, it's hard enough trying to avoid looking at them!

"T-Then... Hikki, do you want to come over to my house instead?"

...

My brain just imagined an impossible scenario. A scenario of cooking and dogs and delicious noodles. And an angry Mr Yuigahama that led to my doom. But this was getting dangerous in various ways so I'll stop right there.

This girl was scary. She seriously did not think about things before saying them. She was so careless that even I was getting worried that one of these days she would get tricked and invite some bad guys over to her house...

"Yuigahama-san. Please be more careful and value yourself more. You don't know what that thing would do once he gets in your house. Your personal possessions would be in danger. And even if we somehow manage to deprive his freedom of movement, your family's property would still be devalued by his presence."

Yes yes you tell her Yukinoshita! Wait.. halfway through that speech it suddenly became about me didn't it? By that logic, didn't I already devalue Yukinoshita's apartment? ... she wasn't going to press charges and demand compensation right?

"Besides, if Hiratsuka-sensei was checking out my home, then your home is probably not safe either. So that option is out."

...

A short silence ensued as our ideas ran out.

"Hm... I understand the situation now Hikigaya-kun. First, let's change locations."

**Part 3**

After splitting up and regrouping at a more comfortable location, in other words a family restaurant, it was now my turn to do the headache pose.

"I understand that you didn't want to stay in that dirty alley. But why is this guy here?"

"Well, it is a rare request from Hikitani-kun after all, so I couldn't refuse."

I swear this guy's nice-guy smile was one tier higher than normal. Was he so happy that I was the one in trouble for once?

"Hikigaya-kun. You wanted a place to hide from Hiratsuka-sensei right? In that case, we should choose a place that you would never choose yourself. So in that sense, since you two are complete opposites, it is a perfect fit."

No, I understand the logic but still! If I had to stay over with this guy... Grrr... I think I would rather get caught instead.

In fact, if you thought about it, this matter would eventually get leaked. Eventually, Ebina-san would hear about it, at which point she will suffer from massive blood loss and use up a lot of blood transfusions. Then wouldn't the other hospital patients who needed that blood be in serious trouble?

"That suggestion is rejected. We can't sacrifice the hospital patients of this city."

"Just how did you reach that conclusion?!"

"It's either this or you stay with someone from your middle school. Even if Hiratsuka-sensei can find out the addresses of Sobu High students, she shouldn't be able to find out where your middle school classmates live."

A trauma-inducing image of me begging Orimoto Kaori to let me stay at her place appeared in my mind.

"Please spare me from that."

"In that case it's settled."

"Looking forward to having you, Hikitani-kun."

Ugh, that smile was now two tiers higher. Grrr...

"On second thought this is impossible! I definitely do not want to owe this guy any favors!"

"Hikigaya-kun. I believe you were the one who said this request had nothing to do with you? Thus what you want is completely irrelevant."


	12. The Demon Lord Makes an Appearance

**Chapter 12: Lastly, the Demon Lord Makes an Appearance.**

And thus, my long journey came to an end. Betrayed by everyone I knew, I was now being forcefully escorted against my will towards a prison facility. Well, since we weren't friends, I guess this last group technically didn't count as betrayal.

Could this day get any worse?

Of course.

Upon reaching our destination, a familiar black vehicle was parked in front of the entrance. Wait, this was a different black vehicle: a limousine instead of a sports car. It seems that black was a popular color among the women who posed a danger to my well-being.

Sitting on the hood of the car and waving at us was an incarnation of terror surpassing even HiratZilla by several orders of magnitude. I guess no journey was complete without defeating the demon lord.

"Nee-san..."

"Hikigaya-kun! I heard all about it! You're such a bad boy, proposing to Shizuka-chan when you already have Yukino-chan."

Gah! This is why I said the information needed to be quarantined! Now it has reached the worst possible person. No... before that...

"How did you know where to find me?"

"Hm? Ah that huh? Hikigaya-kun, you're really foolish you know? What was the point of passing your phone to a decoy, if you are going to recruit other phones to your side?"

" " Ah! " " x 4

Three people turned to me with apologetic faces, but it was my fault too for not thinking about it. Wait, why does she have the GPS information for all three of your phones? Just how large is her information network?

"Well none of that really matters. I haven't told Shizuka-chan where Hikigaya-kun is yet, but all of you understand right?"

...

*Gulp*

Yeah. We understood. Now that our information was leaked, we were reduced to mere playthings for the demon lord. If we angered her here, then she would simply inform Hiratsuka-sensei and everything would come to naught.

"Yosh! Nee-chan likes kids who understand quickly. So with that out of the way, Hikigaya-kun, come over here for a bit. I got a present for you in the car. Ah, the rest of you just shut up and stay where you are okay?"

Ugh. And so the human sacrifice for the demon lord was chosen. Forbidden to even speak, the sacrifice exchanged non-verbal glances of farewell with the other villagers, and slowly trudged his way towards the execution chamber. Now, if only that sacrifice was not me.

"Mou, Hikigaya-kun is too slow!"

Suddenly, a soft hand grasped my own and pulled me along. Stop it! How could you just suddenly grab a teenage boy's hand like that? You are going to give everyone the wrong idea! Seriously, how was her hand this soft? Ah not good, my hands are starting to sweat...

Oblivious to my worries, the elder Yukinoshita happily skipped towards the door on the opposite side of the limousine while dragging me along. Why the opposite side? Was the present something you did not want the others to see?

"We're here!" she announced while opening the door.

"And here you go! How do you like your present, Hikigaya-kun?"


	13. The Saga Continues

**Chapter 13: Zealously, the Saga Continues.**

**Part 1**

Inside the car, a familiar, beautiful older woman was lying down on the backseat. She was perfectly still, as if she was asleep, but I could not tell for sure because of the blindfolds over her eyes. And even if she was awake, several ropes were thoroughly tied around her, so that explained the perfect stillness. As a finishing touch, she was also gagged to prevent her from making any noise.

"It took me a lot of effort to prepare this present you know. She can be such a handful when she's drunk after all.

Well, when I caught her, she was breaking various laws, so you can think of this as a free service. We can't have scandals happening in our prefecture after all."

There were so many things to retort to that I didn't know where to begin. However, before I was given a chance to decide, I had been pushed inside the car and the door slammed behind me with a few parting words.

"Now then, I'm going to have fun with Yukino-chan, so you can do anything you want in there. _Anything._"

What the hell was going through this person's head? No, that was currently the least of my problems. Even if the car was a limousine, it was still fairly cramped, so our bodies were positioned way too close! Not to mention, since all the doors and windows were closed, this confined space now had a strong amount of a certain female's scent.

I was so thankful that Hiratsuka-sensei usually went around wearing a suit and pants. If she had been wearing a skirt, I would be having a perfect view of a forbidden world right now. Then again, the way the ropes bit into her skin was strangely erotic as they strongly accentuated her curves, so this was still poison for the eyes.

I'm going to end up developing some weird fetishes! What devious trap is this?

In that case, it was best to untie her as soon as possible. But thinking about it, we were currently in a confined space. If Hiratsuka-sensei went on a rampage in here, there would be no escape and again my innocent teenage mind would be poisoned. So it was best to confirm her state of mind first.

As such, I proceeded to take off her blindfold. As she suddenly regained the miracle known as sight, Hiratsuka-sensei opened her eyes slowly and blinked a few times. Her eyelashes were strangely seductive so I would really prefer if it she stopped.

Then her eyes focused on me.

"Mm! Mmmm!"

A full body struggle quickly ensued. But against the intricately tied ropes, that struggle achieved nothing other than an inviting wriggling motion. This was seriously too much poison for the eyes. I had to make her stop.

"C-calm down! I'm taking the gag out now so stay still or you'll bite your tongue!"

**Part 2**

"Pu-hah! Ugh, I'm alive again."

Now free from the gag and blindfold, Hiratsuka-sensei had regained some of her liveliness. The fact that she obediently stopped struggling suggested that, for better or worse, she was now in a state of mind for a normal conversation. Just not a state of body.

"Hachiman, I'm not really into SM play you know?"

Scratch that, I'm getting out of here before I take any more poison damage. And I'm pretty sure she was lying, our roles were just reversed. I averted my gaze and reached for the car door.

"Ah wait wait Hikigaya, that was a joke."

Really didn't seem like one. There were too many people making bad jokes around me today.

I let out a short sigh and sat down again.

"So, have you calmed down?"

"Ah. Mm."

...

An awkward pause as she tried to find the right words to say. Well, I guess technically, I was the one who started this fiasco, so I should apologize first.

"Well, so... about that earlier this morning. My bad. I didn't mean to say that."

"Mm. I knew. You're always saying stupid stuff you don't actually mean like that after all.

A-and it's not like I'm so desperate that I would go after my students. It's just... that was the first time in my life I had been proposed to... so I... just somehow... lost my head a little..."

...

Another short silence as she recalled the memories of the day. The way she was starting to blush and fidget a bit was strangely cute and unfitting for her age, and it was somehow causing my heart to beat even faster than her previous poison attacks, so I would really _really_ like her to stop.

Ah not good... I think I just got infected too because I could feel that my face was getting hot as well. After some mental struggling, I managed to find an antidote in my spiritual item box and forcefully turned my head the other way.

"A-anyway. Could you help me get out of these ropes? It's actually pretty painful to be tied up like this."

**Part 3**

A few minutes of heated struggling later, I had unwillingly gained a lot of unnecessary information about ropes. I could probably start to seriously pursue a career as a real small-time villain now. Also, as the bindings were tied really well, I had a feeling that I was also going to do really well in the next biology test.

Thanks to that, both of us were now sweating heavily, and the atmosphere in this confined space was heading in a strange direction. I couldn't help but fear that all of this was some kind of devious test that was premeditated by the elder Yukinoshita, so getting out of here quickly was tantamount to my survival.

"Well then, I'll be going home now. Hiratsuka-sensei, will you be alright on your own?"

"Ah. Yeah. I'll just ask Haruno to take me back to my own car. See you at school next year, Hikigaya."

Hearing that, I nodded and opened the car door. As I stepped out of the car and took my first breath of non-poisonous air in a long time, I reflected on how close to death I came today. After so many brushes with death, the whole ordeal was finally over. Still, the fact that I now owed the elder Yukinoshita a huge favor was extremely ominous.

As I sighed with a sense of foreboding and attempted to close the car door, an arm reached out from inside and stopped me.

"Hikigaya. Sorry for chasing you around all day. It won't happen again."

I nodded in agreement as I continued my motion of closing the door.

"Next time... I'll properly wait for you to graduate first."

*Shut*

Eh? What did she say at the end?


	14. 80000 Points to the Manipulator

**Epilogue Chapter: 80000 Points to the Manipulator**

**Part 1**

"I'm home!"

I was greeted by silence. Komachi was probably in her room. Even though it was already so late, our parents weren't back yet. Apparently the life of a corporate slave was somehow even worse than all of the mayhem I experienced today. I was going to call this the worst day of my life, but it seems that if I don't succeed in becoming a house-husband, far worse will be on the horizon.

Well, I better check that Komachi is okay.

Upon entering her room, a beaming little sister welcomed me.

"Ah! Onii-chan! Welcome home. So did you do it? Do I have a big sister now?"

Stop with the sparkling eyes you little traitor!

"Nothing like that happened. So how are your studies?"

Instantly, the smile disappeared. Just as planned.

"Blergh. Onii-chan is so useless."

Suddenly, the grin returned in full force.

"Ah! That reminds me. Here onii-chan!"

A paper envelope was passed to me. Looking at it, there was a small hole in it, allowing me to see a white piece of paper inside. Was this a Death Note? Why did Komachi give me something like this? Even if I was always following her, I'm not part of the FBI...

"Actually, I found out about a certain study charm from a friend. It seems that if you get a high school student to sign a mock test you have done without looking at it, your odds of getting into the same high school would increase. That's why, onii-chan, sign in that hole there."

Oh. That's a weird charm...

But well, if it's for Komachi's sake, Hikigaya Hachiman will do anything! Still, in case this actually was a Death Note, I shall sign it while thinking of the face of somebody else! Ha ha! As if I would still trust the one who sold me out earlier today.

"Done."

"Onii-chan! Thank you!"

Whoa, her smile power just multiplied tenfold. I guess she really wanted to come to Sobu High as well. She got along with Yuigahama and Yukinoshita very well after all. Don't worry Komachi, your onii-chan will do everything he can to support you...

_*Slam*_

Eh? Why was there a door in my face?

"Okay. Go away now onii-chan, Komachi is studying."

...

My little sister can't be this cruel.

**Part 2 – Behind the Scenes**

Wa ha ha. Keikaku doori.

Ahaha, why was my onii-chan so blindly trusting in his little sister?

Even though he doubted everyone else.

Even though Komachi already betrayed him once today.

He still foolishly believed Komachi without doubting anything. Well, that was very high in Hachiman points, but still foolish.

Thanks to that, everything went without a hitch.

Hehehe... This has been the best day of my life. Komachi was so _so_ worried about onii-chan's future, but with this, everything has been settled.

Kyaaa, Komachi can't stop smiling. What should I do? My facial expression might never go back to normal...

I took the paper out of the envelope and gazed fondly at the title on top.

[ Marriage Registration Form ]


End file.
